I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
