Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
