Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
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