i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
