I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
