I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
