the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He literally asked permission to hit on me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
