cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
