Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
