1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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