Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
