And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
