Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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