im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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