Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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