Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
