Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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