god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
