when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
