I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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