I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
