man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize