no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Randomize
