I got chris browned last night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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