you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
