nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize