She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
