my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Michael Bay diarrhea
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
