if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
