Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
