Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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