i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
