She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
