but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
