my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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