I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
