god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
