The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
