So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
