I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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