benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
