Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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