You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
