You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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