You're completely useless in the revolution.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
