Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What a dumb baby whore.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
