I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
