My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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