I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
