I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
