nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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