how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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