You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
