Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
