Will you blow on my dice?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
