dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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