Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
