My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize